Oh good lord, where do I begin?  It all started on Thursday.  The Hubs had the day off and thus had a 3 day weekend.  GREAT!  AWESOME!  FANTABULOUS!  LET’S GO TRY OUT THE NEW BURGER KING!!!!

A word about the new Burger King.  They tore down the old BK and put a bank there.  Then a grill in town shut down so BK bought it and gutted the place and now it looks like a local grill turned old-skool BK.  It’s cute and new.  Who can resist that?  Not me!  So, this is where the insanity began.

We went to BK.  We had the same mediocre food that was at the old BK.  We regretted it immediately.  I ate my stupid frikkin frakkin Whopper and onion rings and I didn’t even bother to get a Diet Coke.  I just ate.  I decided that maybe I should have a cheat day to keep me honest during this whole weight-loss thing.  Maybe a weekly taste of disgust after a meal is healthy for me!  I had read a couple of weeks ago about a lady who had lost tons of weight and allowed herself a cheat day.  It worked for her!  Why couldn’t it work for me?

We ate, felt immediately remorse for what we had done.  I came home, logged my calories and saw that after that meal, I had 5 calories left for the day.  I was screwed.  ‘Oh, whatever.  It’s my cheat day!’  I went along with my day feeling that I was entitled to a splurge.  The evening came and I realized that it was too late in the day to cook the meal I had been planning on.  It’s weird when The Hubs is home.  I don’t get anything done like I used to.  I just want to sit around and goof off with my family.  *sigh*  We feed the kids a quick meal and send them to bed.  The Hubs and I sat there whining, ‘I’m huuuuuungryyyyyyyy’ at each other for about an hour.  We tire of this and decide that he’s going to run and get us some food.  Where do we choose to go?  Not Sonic!  Not McDonald’s!  Not Taco Bell, Taco Bueno, Chick-fil-a, Chili’s, Long John Silvers, Taco Casa, Whataburger, Braums, Jack in the Box, Pizza Hut, Domino’s, Popeye’s Chicken, Subway or Quizno’s!  (Yes, we do have almost every fast-food joint in my town)  We choose…………………………..wait for it……………………………BURGER KING.  You know, that place that we nearly barfed from earlier in the day?  Yeah…  Cause we’re smart.

I got a Whopper Jr. and a side salad.  It was still barftastic and I still felt like I had played a cruel joke on my body.  This was not good.

We vowed to stop doing that.  VOWED IT.

4th of July……………………….

My parents decide to grill.  AWESOME!  I can eat pretty decently off the grill!  I could down a couple of hot dogs, drink water and flush out the sodium!  It’ll be good!

Before the par-tay, we had to go grocery shopping.  My Daddy came with us and he’s so sweet and adorable and hungry.  We stopped at Wendy’s.  I had planned on getting my little grilled chicken sandwich and side salad that I KNEW was good and that I KNEW only came to 340 calories!  What did I get?  A regular cheeseburger with fries, coke and a Frosty shake.  DOIN’ GOOD! 

Arrive at par-tay.  Yeah, that pie looks awesome!  OHHHH, ICE CREAM!  DANG, I LOVE MAYO ON HOT DOGS!!!  OMG, A SAUSAGE?

Once again.  That day was shot to crap in one meal’s time.

Yesterday…

Me:  “Hey, Mom has some of that pie left over!”

The Hubs:  “Be right back.”

He came home with pie and ice cream.  Great.  I over-did it yesterday, too.  I suck.

It turned into a cheat-weekend rather than a cheat DAY.  I know that there are highs and lows but I’ve had the wind knocked out of me.  I’m back on track today but I have a hideous headache, like a super bad one, and that usually makes me eat anything and everything trying to stave off the barfs with such a headache.  I’m still responsible for taking care of the kids and by ‘taking care of the kids’, I do mean letting them watch TV all day until The Hubs can get home to take over.  At least it’s not a school day.

In other news…  Does anyone remember how hot Cary Elwes was?  This is him now:

Cary Elwes

Yeah, what happened?  I hate age!  It takes away the yummiest of yummies! 

Confession time.  When I was pregnant with my youngest baby, I was fat, swollen and miserable.  I was sitting at my OB’s office waiting to be called in when this stunningly tall, thin and very pregnant woman came strolling in.  She seemed to be lighter than air even though she must have been full-term.  She wore this blouse that was cut on the bias and I believe it was silk…  She was one of those free-spirit types with long and flowing hair, sun-kissed…  Like natural sun, not tanning bed-tanned.  She was amazing.  She giggled with her husband, no doubt excited about all of the baby things they were looking at in the magazines that surrounded them.  I envied her so much.  I was at the point where I just wanted to get it over and done with.  I was so uncomfortable while pregnant.  My body ached, my ankles were so swollen and I just wanted to get the kid out of there.  I wanted to be care free at the end of my pregnancy.  I could barely muster the energy, let alone the honest emotion, to smile!!!  This woman was giggling, whispering, cuddling…   Ugh…  I’ve thought about her so much because I recognized myself in her.  I used to be that free-spirit with the long hair, the giant bracelets around my wrists, thin woman who could pull off a bias-cut silk blouse…  I was the fat version of her.  She’s been my motivation, believe it or not.  I do realize that she was about to go get on that table and get clinically felt up just like I was, but still, that image of her in my head just makes me want to reach my goal faster!  I know that I’ll never be *as* thin as she was, as thin as *I* once was, but I can get closer to that person that I used to know.  I can’t believe how skinny I used to be and how much I hated my body.  I must have been insane.  So, maybe not 120, but definitely not 238, either.  YIKES.

So, thank you, skinny pregnant lady from 4 years ago!  It’s definitely weird that I’m thinking about you, but whatever.  You’ll never see this so I’m good.  I hope your baby didn’t look like Walter Mathau, cause your husband kind of did.  Anywayyyyyyyyy……

Yeah, um….  So, like, I’ve lost almost 7 pounds!  HEEEEHEEEEE!  This is exciting to me because I’m STILL motivated, I’m STILL excited for another baby and I’m ACTUALLY DOING THIS!  It might not sound like a lot of weight, but you must remember that I’m only 2 weeks into this.  Yes, that’s too much weight, too fast, but it’s still the beginning of this diet way of life.  I’m not exercising because I’m still too fat to put that much pressure on my knees and my back is still smoking crack or something weird.  I just can’t.  Oh that and I hate it.  So, yeah, that’s not great.  I should probably try to change my general attitude concerning general movement, huh?  I hate moving.  If I could sleep 24/7, I think I might do it.  Of course, I think that’s the underlying depression that I’m sure I have because of the fatness.  Hopefully that will leave me alone soon.    I’m still feeling good so right now, I’m untouchable.  Sweeeeeeet.

I know that it’s just the magic of the first week on a diet but HOLY COW!  I’m excited!!!  I wish the weight loss could go this quickly all the time!  Well, whatever.  I’m feeling really good still, which is a small miracle in and of itself!  I’m drinking around 100 ounces of water/day and it’s not getting old.  I’ve stopped thinking, ‘I wish I had a Big Mac…  I wish I had some fries…  I wish I had a pie….  I wish, I wish, I wish…’  Right now, I’m perfectly happy drinking my water and eating my healthy foods!

One of the not so great things is all the fiber I’ve been eating.  Um…  Let’s just say things are a little noisy around here.  My body will get used to it again and just chillax soon.  However, it’s hard being in public.  HA!

I found out that a dear friend of mine is pregnant today!  Well, actually, I knew but she made it official today!  Can I tell you how exciting this is???  As excited as I am for her, I’m also really excited for my own selfish reasons!  I think watching her pregnancy progress and hearing her updates will keep me super motivated!  I had a weak moment today where I nearly ate…an Almond Joy.  EEK!  I thought about her and how I so very very much want to be in her shoes in 6 months and I put it down.  It was a snack-sized bar and wouldn’t have done much damage, but I know that’s how it starts with me.  That horrible downfall.  That hideous spiral of glutenous eating.  Ugh.  I’d rather not.

I haven’t had all of my water for the day but I think part of the reason is because of a horrible case of heartburn and water makes it worse.  Just another side-affect of being a fatty.  Let’s list my fat symptoms, k?

1. Heartburn
2. Can’t tie my shoes without feeling like I’m going to throw up.
3. Can’t get comfortable at night.
4. Get winded just by talking.
5. Can’t keep up with kids.
6. Giant breasts are driving me absolutely BONKERS!
7. My ribcage hurts.
8. My blood pressure is on the rise.
9. My DD said I was fat. 
10. I really just hate how I look and feel like an utter failure, bad example to my kids and a turd.

That’s just my top 10.  I’m miserable in my own skin.  ‘Uncomfortable’ is a HUGE understatement.

Well, whatever.  I’ve lost 3 pounds.  My knees are actually not hurting as bad as usual!  I’m sure all of the water has been helping.  Anyway, that’s all.

I’ve been drinking water so much the past 3 days that my eyes are about to float into my brain! But wanna know the cool part? I’m actually THIRSTY again!

When you’ve gone so long without drinking anything, like I have, you tend to lose your sense of thirst. I would crave water once in a blue moon. Now though? There’s nothing better! I don’t want a soda or juice or tea. I just want water. And for the first time today, I got home and said, ‘man, I’m thirsty!’ It actually took me a few minutes to realize what that odd sensation was!  Dry tongue:  Check!  Dry throat:  Check!  Yep, I’m thirsty!

Ok, so this blog entry sucks.  I just happen to be very thrilled with this new development.  I’ve lost 3 pounds so far, undoubtedly all water weight.  Hey, whatever.  I lost half an inch around my neck!  Water is my frienemy!  Eventually, I’m sure I’ll hit a stumbling block, but honestly, I’ve never been SO determined before.  When I get down, I just think about that baby.  My ultimate motivation.

I’ve always said that I don’t bond with my pregnancies.  After my first miscarriage, I just guard myself that way, I guess.  If I lose the baby, well, I wasn’t *that* attached to it anyhow, kwim?  Sounds really sad and like I don’t care but it’s just a survival tactic.  I’ve always said that pregnancy was weird, and it is.  The baby squirming around in there causing every weird sound imaginable to come out of your body at one time…  Yeah…  It’s weird.  I think I’ve out-grossed my husband a few too many times while pregnant.  It’s a wonder he wants to practice making babies with me anymore.  But, here I am…  Counting down the days and pounds until I can feel that weird sensation…  Wondering if it’s the baby kicking…  Wondering if my contractions are 5 minutes apart yet…

I think I might want to go with a midwife this time.  I’m not exactly sure how that would work out because, even though I’m a pretty crunchy/organic mom, I still love my epidural.  Can a midwife do epidurals?  Can I drag my midwife to the hospital with me?  I have pretty easy labors and deliveries as long as I have my pain meds going.  I don’t know what would happen if I went totally natural.  It might….get ugly.

Well, the hubs is on his way home so I had better stop writing and go make him some dinner.

I’m a 29 year old tubby lady who let herself go. I used to weigh 120 pounds and then, 9 years ago, it changed. I got married, got pregnant, lost the baby and then my body went insane. It was a really late miscarriage as I was in my second trimester. It was horribly traumatizing and took a very long time to get over… For whatever reason, I started packing on the pounds. I hadn’t changed my diet, though. In fact, I went on an eating strike. I was sure that I could starve to death. After I lost the baby, I stayed in my bed, lights out, for over a month. I don’t remember getting up, to be honest. Did I shower? I don’t know! Did I pee the bed? Nah… I’m sure it wasn’t THAT bad. But that whole time in my life is a blur and something I don’t like to think about. I emerged only because we got evicted. The Hubs had gone on a depression-streak, too and quit his job. We were both just THAT devastated that we didn’t care. I was 20, he was 19. What can you expect from mere children? So, when I came out and finally had to look at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t understand who was looking back at me. Finally, at about 3 months past the miscarriage, I had gained 70 pounds. In 3 months. I went from a 34 B to a 36DDD. Something was wrong. I finally went to the doctor and she said I had PCOS, which I deny to this day… Sort of… I went on to have 2 deliciously healthy babies. You don’t do that, easily, with PCOS. So, yes, I do have some symptoms, but I believe it was just the fact that I was starving myself. Or something to that effect. All I know is that I’m now a giant fatty. When I had my last daughter, I went home and weighed myself. I was 180. Today, I’m at 238. I have 63 pounds total to lose until I can get pregnant again. This will not be an easy thing, but it will be worth it! I HAVE to do this. I’m WORTH this! My KIDS are worth it!