This is a NEARLY positive OPK (ovulation predictor).

Very nearly a positive OPK

I am ALMOST ovulating.  Apparently, the line on the left, the test line, has to be as dark, or darker than the right line, the control line.  So, I’m pretty much sittin’ pretty.  I have to BD (baby dance) tonight and tomorrow night.  Probably the night after that.  Seriously, I’m already tired of having to do it.  Since I’m ovulating, I get the most horrible pains and it’s a horrible experience having to do-the-deed so much.  I think that the ovulation pains are my own form of birth-control.  I want nothing to do with THAT when I’m in so much pain.  So, I’ll just have to suffer through.  HOWEVER, I’m so totally thrilled!  I usually ovulate on CD (cycle day) 21 or 24.  Then I have to wait about 11-12 days to see if AF (aunt flo…seriously, I’ll learn you these terms, fast) shows up.  It’s torture.  The average cycle is 28 days.  Mine is usually 35+.  The fact that I’m on CD 14 and I’m actually going to ovulate at a decent time is CRAZY good!  I’m very, very happy with this.  I just need to get The Hubs home and get going!    wink, wink

Anyway, that’s my update.  It’s not exciting to anyone else but me, but that’s ok.  I just feel the need to write it down sometimes. 

Forgot to add that I’m not pregnant.  However, here’s to trying for next month!  If you’re one of those weirdos who likes to follow people who are TTC and if you lurk charts, I’m your girl.

So, since I’m pretty much done with the weight-loss aspect of this blog (my purpose for starting this blog was weight-loss SO I could TTC.  I’m still dieting but I’m only losing as much as I can before I get pg and I’ll just have to be happy with whatever that number is on the scale), here’s some info about me and my cycles.

I tend to have long cycles at around 35 days.  I have a short-ish luteal phase (11 days).  I was diagnosed with PCOS after my first miscarriage but I don’t claim the title as I’ve carried 2 babies to term and I do ovulate each month.  I got pg on our first try with both of our kids, who were obviously planned.  I charted and temped my cycles with both kids.

With this baby, whenever I do get pg (tell me if you get tired of hearing that line), I’m using a midwife.  I was induced with both of my babies and although it was ok at the time, I really really want the ‘OMG, IS THIS IT?’ experience that I feel I was cheated out of.  OK, yeah, so I had pregnancy-induced-hypertension with baby #1 and it had to be done, but still…  Pop my bag and send me home or something!  I’m not going natural, but I’m definitely going ‘more’ natural.  I gotta have my epidural.

OK, here’s a confession for ya.  I’m a hippie.  It’s true.  I use an alternative to toothpaste, I have often been known to use a shampoo bar instead of commercialized shampoo and I’m forever getting blasted for not vaccinating my kids.  If you take issue, save it.  I’ve heard all of the opinions on it.  Grow your own kids and do what you want with them.  When baby 3 is made (I changed it up for you), I’ll be using cloth diapers again, making my own babyfood, still not vaccinating and using cloth wipies instead of disposable.  I was that lady who said she was going to make her own babyfood while pregnant but actually did it after the baby was born.  I’m generally pretty proud of myself for this!  I’ll talk about it often!

One great advancement in cloth diapers that I’m looking forward to is the ONE SIZE diapers!  They go from tiny newborn size to giant toddler size!  They didn’t have those when mine were little so I spent a FORTUNE on diaper covers!  I’m excited to see how that all works out!  I figure if we buy 1 diaper/week during this pregnancy, we’ll be set for quite a while!  I’m excited!  I think looking through all the cloth diapers on Etsy is what helped me totally make my mind up as to whether we should TTC or not.  That’s probably pretty shallow sounding but I SO don’t care.  I’m in a selfish frame-of-mind right now.  I spend a lot of time worrying over family and friends and sometimes I just need to take some time out to take care of myself.  I’m not much of a ‘me-time’ kinda mom but it is necessary sometimes.

I recently read someone’s blog entry where she was complaining about all sorts of things.  The one thing that got on my nerves was the bashing of women who announce their pregnancies before the first tri is over.  She went on to say that if those women had any sense, they would realize that, statistically speaking, they would have to send out that sad announcement due to the rate of miscarriage.  It was a particularly nasty venting over these women.  Well, I have lost my own pregnancies.  My first one was particularly late at 13 weeks.  I heard the heartbeat on the doppler in the ER 10 minutes before my pelvic exam to ‘remove the tissues’.  I’ve been through my own pain and heartache.  I had to see my little bean in an ultrasound and then say goodbye nearly in the same sentence and no, it doesn’t get easier with time.  I have complete sympathy for anyone who loses their baby.  It’s hard no matter how young the pregnancy is.  That’s your child.  Your hope.  Your future.  Having to say goodbye is the worst thing I had to do.  The unanswered questions about ‘what the hell just happened there???’ never go away!  I still want to know why they couldn’t tell me the sex even though the baby was complete in an un-ruptured sac!  How is it possible that we heard the heartbeat but was told the pregnancy was over minutes later?  How???  WHY???  We don’t know and never will…  The thing about it is that I’m not bitter about it.  I’m mad that my doctor was a douche and was more worried over getting sued than answering my questions, but I’m not bitter.  I’ve carried 2 healthy babies to term.  I know that my body works…  So this is what leads me to my anger over this woman’s comments…

I AM that woman who makes the early announcement.  I have BEEN through that hell and ya know what?  I know the damn statistics!  When I announce my pregnancy that is days old (when it happens), it’s because I desperately need prayers BECAUSE I’ve been through the losses!  If I held it in until the second tri, I would worry and panic the whole time and prayer is the oil that keeps this engine from seizing!  I need all the prayers I can get!

So, I’m mad for the ignorance that some people choose to project.  It’s sad that some bitter hag out there will look down on me for successfully getting pregnant and letting my friends know.  Sue me.

Same as the last one with a couple of new ones.

1. Cramping
2. Dizziness
3. I’m currently crying at every.single.thing.

I’m a nutcase, I do know that, but this is just killer having to wait it out.

I’ve decided that if I’m not knocked up this time, we’re definitely trying next time. Now that I’ve thought about it and felt that joy at the possibility of another baby, I’m wondering why on earth did I think it would be smarter to lose weight, get pregnant and then lose the weight AGAIN! What I should do is have a kid and use the wonderful, magical beauty of breastfeeding to help boost my weight loss! I’ve done it before, I can do it again! And really? My life isn’t that complicated. I have a husband who would bend over backwards for me so I know that back-rubs and general kindness is in my future. If I hurt, he’ll try to fix me. Why was I so worried about this? I’ll be OK! I’m in good health besides a few bits of arthritis here and there. I mean, good grief, that crap gets worse as you get older! So if I wait, I’ll be older and trying to be pregnant. That’s not a great plan! Plus, it’s only 9 months. It’s not that long. I’ll live.

I feel exuberant about this plan, I really do. I’m hopeful that I’m pregnant right now and everything but if not, this new plan definitely works for me! The Hubs is ecstatic about it.

And, yes, I actually have been looking at all the cloth diapering stuff and maternity clothes and I’ve been making tickers that I’ll hopefully be able to use. My brain is completely focused on baby. I’ve put my body under the microscope, for sure. Things are going on that usually don’t unless I’m pregnant so am I an emotional wreck because I’m so excited or because I’m pg? Who knows. Either way, pregnancy is in my future whether it’s now, a month from now or a year. I have a healthy attitude this time. That’s the best start!

And guess what! I found a midwife group that’s connected to the hospital and I CAN get an epidural with this group! I’m that hippie lady who wants to go natural but is a GIANT wuss. I’m THRILLED over this!

In an odd turn-of-events, I’m currently waiting until the 27th or 28th to pee on a stick.  That famous stick can only be a pregnancy test.  Let me just put it this way…  OOPS.

Early pregnancy symptoms so far:

1. I’m TIRED.
2. I gotta PEEE.
3. My boobs hurt like FIRE.
4. I’m GRUMPY.
5. I’m TIRED.
6. I have that nastay metallic taste in my mouth and nose!

So, while I’m waiting, help me with some baby names just in case.  We’re hopeful for a boy and we like old-fashioned names.    Help a girl out!!!

Confession time.  When I was pregnant with my youngest baby, I was fat, swollen and miserable.  I was sitting at my OB’s office waiting to be called in when this stunningly tall, thin and very pregnant woman came strolling in.  She seemed to be lighter than air even though she must have been full-term.  She wore this blouse that was cut on the bias and I believe it was silk…  She was one of those free-spirit types with long and flowing hair, sun-kissed…  Like natural sun, not tanning bed-tanned.  She was amazing.  She giggled with her husband, no doubt excited about all of the baby things they were looking at in the magazines that surrounded them.  I envied her so much.  I was at the point where I just wanted to get it over and done with.  I was so uncomfortable while pregnant.  My body ached, my ankles were so swollen and I just wanted to get the kid out of there.  I wanted to be care free at the end of my pregnancy.  I could barely muster the energy, let alone the honest emotion, to smile!!!  This woman was giggling, whispering, cuddling…   Ugh…  I’ve thought about her so much because I recognized myself in her.  I used to be that free-spirit with the long hair, the giant bracelets around my wrists, thin woman who could pull off a bias-cut silk blouse…  I was the fat version of her.  She’s been my motivation, believe it or not.  I do realize that she was about to go get on that table and get clinically felt up just like I was, but still, that image of her in my head just makes me want to reach my goal faster!  I know that I’ll never be *as* thin as she was, as thin as *I* once was, but I can get closer to that person that I used to know.  I can’t believe how skinny I used to be and how much I hated my body.  I must have been insane.  So, maybe not 120, but definitely not 238, either.  YIKES.

So, thank you, skinny pregnant lady from 4 years ago!  It’s definitely weird that I’m thinking about you, but whatever.  You’ll never see this so I’m good.  I hope your baby didn’t look like Walter Mathau, cause your husband kind of did.  Anywayyyyyyyyy……

I found out that a dear friend of mine is pregnant today!  Well, actually, I knew but she made it official today!  Can I tell you how exciting this is???  As excited as I am for her, I’m also really excited for my own selfish reasons!  I think watching her pregnancy progress and hearing her updates will keep me super motivated!  I had a weak moment today where I nearly ate…an Almond Joy.  EEK!  I thought about her and how I so very very much want to be in her shoes in 6 months and I put it down.  It was a snack-sized bar and wouldn’t have done much damage, but I know that’s how it starts with me.  That horrible downfall.  That hideous spiral of glutenous eating.  Ugh.  I’d rather not.

I haven’t had all of my water for the day but I think part of the reason is because of a horrible case of heartburn and water makes it worse.  Just another side-affect of being a fatty.  Let’s list my fat symptoms, k?

1. Heartburn
2. Can’t tie my shoes without feeling like I’m going to throw up.
3. Can’t get comfortable at night.
4. Get winded just by talking.
5. Can’t keep up with kids.
6. Giant breasts are driving me absolutely BONKERS!
7. My ribcage hurts.
8. My blood pressure is on the rise.
9. My DD said I was fat. 
10. I really just hate how I look and feel like an utter failure, bad example to my kids and a turd.

That’s just my top 10.  I’m miserable in my own skin.  ‘Uncomfortable’ is a HUGE understatement.

Well, whatever.  I’ve lost 3 pounds.  My knees are actually not hurting as bad as usual!  I’m sure all of the water has been helping.  Anyway, that’s all.

I’ve been drinking water so much the past 3 days that my eyes are about to float into my brain! But wanna know the cool part? I’m actually THIRSTY again!

When you’ve gone so long without drinking anything, like I have, you tend to lose your sense of thirst. I would crave water once in a blue moon. Now though? There’s nothing better! I don’t want a soda or juice or tea. I just want water. And for the first time today, I got home and said, ‘man, I’m thirsty!’ It actually took me a few minutes to realize what that odd sensation was!  Dry tongue:  Check!  Dry throat:  Check!  Yep, I’m thirsty!

Ok, so this blog entry sucks.  I just happen to be very thrilled with this new development.  I’ve lost 3 pounds so far, undoubtedly all water weight.  Hey, whatever.  I lost half an inch around my neck!  Water is my frienemy!  Eventually, I’m sure I’ll hit a stumbling block, but honestly, I’ve never been SO determined before.  When I get down, I just think about that baby.  My ultimate motivation.

I’ve always said that I don’t bond with my pregnancies.  After my first miscarriage, I just guard myself that way, I guess.  If I lose the baby, well, I wasn’t *that* attached to it anyhow, kwim?  Sounds really sad and like I don’t care but it’s just a survival tactic.  I’ve always said that pregnancy was weird, and it is.  The baby squirming around in there causing every weird sound imaginable to come out of your body at one time…  Yeah…  It’s weird.  I think I’ve out-grossed my husband a few too many times while pregnant.  It’s a wonder he wants to practice making babies with me anymore.  But, here I am…  Counting down the days and pounds until I can feel that weird sensation…  Wondering if it’s the baby kicking…  Wondering if my contractions are 5 minutes apart yet…

I think I might want to go with a midwife this time.  I’m not exactly sure how that would work out because, even though I’m a pretty crunchy/organic mom, I still love my epidural.  Can a midwife do epidurals?  Can I drag my midwife to the hospital with me?  I have pretty easy labors and deliveries as long as I have my pain meds going.  I don’t know what would happen if I went totally natural.  It might….get ugly.

Well, the hubs is on his way home so I had better stop writing and go make him some dinner.