This has nothing to do with weight loss or babies or really anything that I intended this blog to be about.  Still, I just have to write about it.  To just get it out.  All of the heartache and loss that I’m feeling right now.

10 years ago, I met a guy who was 19, like me.  He knew the guy that I had just broken up with and for some reason, he felt the need to fix me.  He loved me.  Not in that ‘hey, I’m a teenager and I like your butt’ kind of ‘love’.  He saw me as worth fixing.  He knew what I had been through.  He knew how I had been treated and he wanted to undo it all.  He introduced me to this church that I adored.  It was the first church environment that was just speaking the truth of the bible instead of running church politics and ridiculous traditions that had nothing to do with the bible.  I loved it there.  He bought me the series on Song of Solomon, which is now a pretty famous (sorta) series.  He gave it to me and told me to listen and to never again settle for a man who could not be my Solomon.  I spent a weekend at his house (his Mom’s house, complete with his Granny, brother and sister) just being saturated with respect, decency and love.  His Mom expected us to get married but God had other plans for me.  I loved this guy.  Not ‘in’ love with him, but how can you not love a man who treated you with nothing but respect?  I just wanted to be near him because he was kind to me.  This was not a romantic thing.  It was just one boy showing a girl kindness.  This had.not.happened to me in my life.  I can’t explain how I felt for him.  I respected him, I was at peace with him, I was protected by him.  Still, not in a romantic way.  He started to distance himself from me and this was for the best.  He started falling for me and he knew, because he was sensitive to God, that he was not intended for me.  I was so angry at this point.  I was hurt.  Of course, now I understand.

I met my husband not long after that.  In November of ‘98.  I was almost 20.  I fell in love with him almost immediately.  He was my Solomon, something that my friend had taught me.  I wrote my old friend in January of ‘99 to let him know that I found my Solomon and that we were getting married.  He called me.  He was not happy at my news.  He told me I was being foolish because I had known him for a couple of months and that I couldn’t possibly know that he was the right man.  He threw a fit and that guy who had protected me so much and had taken me under his wing was just trying to do the same thing now.  He Just couldn’t let it happen.  So, this time, I cut him off.  I told him that I was no longer any of his business and that he had crossed the line.  I regret that so much.  Especially now.

So, I got married.  My husband IS my Solomon, still, to this day!  He’s never uttered a word of disrespect to me.  He’s never belittled me or treated me poorly!  He’s as close to perfect as he can get and I adore him.  We’ve lost babies together, lost his mother together, been in so many difficult situations that would break most marriages.  We will not break.  So many times, I’ve sat there rocking one of my babies at night and thought, ‘Oh, if he could see me now and how happy and complete I am, he would eat his words.’  I’ve tried to look him up to see if he ever got married or had kids or did something amazing like I knew he would.  I’ve only ever found his old best friend and I thought it was so odd that there was never any mention of my old friend.  Had they had a falling out?  Gee, who knows.  I blew it off.

I found that series on Song of Solomon on Itunes (for free, by the way) and listened to it again.  My husband just got on the day shift at work, finally after 7 years of having to work Sundays.  So, the thought crossed my mind that we should go to that church that he had taken me to all those years ago.  I hadn’t been back since.  But, wait!  If he’s there, I really didn’t want to go and run into him.  Because, after all, I have gotten fat and I would hate it if he couldn’t even recognize me.  So, I start searching for him again.  There’s no mention of him anywhere on the internet which is so odd.  Finally, I went to his county’s public records.  I searched for marriages, which happened to be in with the deaths.  His name popped up and I look trying to make sense of the 2 dates that were listed.  Then it dawned on me.  My dear friend had died.  It was almost 8 years ago that he died.  About a year and a half after I got married.  All of those ‘if he could see me now’ thoughts seem so petty and ridiculous to me.  All of that wondering what ever happened to him, all for nothing.

This boy, along with God’s divine guidance, is pretty much responsible for my happy marriage.  How could he die without knowing that!?!?  How could he die without really knowing how much I appreciated him and how much he did for my life?  He showed me the proper way to love someone and then left when it was time to.  He had one moment where he was selfish and just wanted to hold me and keep me.  Well, I’ve certainly had my selfish moments.  Why couldn’t I forgive this one thing he did?  Why couldn’t I just let him know?

I don’t know how he died.  I don’t know if I want to know.  He was so much more to me than just a friend and so much more than a boyfriend, which he never was.  My friend, Karen, said that, ‘He sounds like he was one of the angels masquerading as people…and he fulfilled his purpose and was called back to God’s Kingdom.’  How right she is.  He was one of those one-in-a-million kind of people that God uses to pull someone back to Him.  He was strong enough in the Lord to push me away when it was time.  How can I ever thank him for that now?

It seems ridiculous because it’s been over 9 years since I had talked to him and I’m not sure I have the right to cry over him now.  He’s been dead for 8 years.  8 years of me not knowing.  I feel like a fool and I feel such sadness and heartache.  Maybe in his death, this is just another way of God using his life to pull me back to His side.

Whatever the reason, I have my husband to cling to.  I have my Solomon to cover me in grace and kindness right now.  I can count on him, always.