I hate this.  I’ve been charting for over 7 years.  Ok, so I took a break after our youngest was born, but still…  I wake up at the same time every day.  I faithfully take my temp the second I wake up.  I come out, chart it and then I go check out what’s going on up my hoo-hoo.  I know I’m not a good sleeper.  I’m an insomniac and I’ve made peace with that.  I’m at the point where I’m going to gobble some pills just so I can get a real night’s sleep and an accurate temp!  I know that’s not healthy but neither is not sleeping…  Which is worse?

My chart is a lying dog.

I am not any days past ovulation. Liar of a chart! You beastly thing!

You would think that I could identify any sort of ovulation by looking at my chart.  I just can’t though!  The 4 days that my chart picked up on as my O date are based on adjusted temps.  I don’t trust those temps because my mid-day temps aren’t actually that different from my very-first-thing-I-do-in-the-morning temps.  My CM is drying up.  My CP is firming up again and closing…  Some might say my temp today is implantation, but it’s soooo not.  I slept like crap last night and I never got into a good sleep.  I woke up when The Hubs went to work (2 hours after I finally fell asleep) and didn’t go back to sleep for another hour.  Then I slept maybe 45 minutes…  You need at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep to get an accurate temp.  I don’t know what the crap is going on here.  I’m tired of it though.  I’m about to call this cycle over and just start over when AF shows up.

This is a NEARLY positive OPK (ovulation predictor).

Very nearly a positive OPK

I am ALMOST ovulating.  Apparently, the line on the left, the test line, has to be as dark, or darker than the right line, the control line.  So, I’m pretty much sittin’ pretty.  I have to BD (baby dance) tonight and tomorrow night.  Probably the night after that.  Seriously, I’m already tired of having to do it.  Since I’m ovulating, I get the most horrible pains and it’s a horrible experience having to do-the-deed so much.  I think that the ovulation pains are my own form of birth-control.  I want nothing to do with THAT when I’m in so much pain.  So, I’ll just have to suffer through.  HOWEVER, I’m so totally thrilled!  I usually ovulate on CD (cycle day) 21 or 24.  Then I have to wait about 11-12 days to see if AF (aunt flo…seriously, I’ll learn you these terms, fast) shows up.  It’s torture.  The average cycle is 28 days.  Mine is usually 35+.  The fact that I’m on CD 14 and I’m actually going to ovulate at a decent time is CRAZY good!  I’m very, very happy with this.  I just need to get The Hubs home and get going!    wink, wink

Anyway, that’s my update.  It’s not exciting to anyone else but me, but that’s ok.  I just feel the need to write it down sometimes. 

Same as the last one with a couple of new ones.

1. Cramping
2. Dizziness
3. I’m currently crying at every.single.thing.

I’m a nutcase, I do know that, but this is just killer having to wait it out.

I’ve decided that if I’m not knocked up this time, we’re definitely trying next time. Now that I’ve thought about it and felt that joy at the possibility of another baby, I’m wondering why on earth did I think it would be smarter to lose weight, get pregnant and then lose the weight AGAIN! What I should do is have a kid and use the wonderful, magical beauty of breastfeeding to help boost my weight loss! I’ve done it before, I can do it again! And really? My life isn’t that complicated. I have a husband who would bend over backwards for me so I know that back-rubs and general kindness is in my future. If I hurt, he’ll try to fix me. Why was I so worried about this? I’ll be OK! I’m in good health besides a few bits of arthritis here and there. I mean, good grief, that crap gets worse as you get older! So if I wait, I’ll be older and trying to be pregnant. That’s not a great plan! Plus, it’s only 9 months. It’s not that long. I’ll live.

I feel exuberant about this plan, I really do. I’m hopeful that I’m pregnant right now and everything but if not, this new plan definitely works for me! The Hubs is ecstatic about it.

And, yes, I actually have been looking at all the cloth diapering stuff and maternity clothes and I’ve been making tickers that I’ll hopefully be able to use. My brain is completely focused on baby. I’ve put my body under the microscope, for sure. Things are going on that usually don’t unless I’m pregnant so am I an emotional wreck because I’m so excited or because I’m pg? Who knows. Either way, pregnancy is in my future whether it’s now, a month from now or a year. I have a healthy attitude this time. That’s the best start!

And guess what! I found a midwife group that’s connected to the hospital and I CAN get an epidural with this group! I’m that hippie lady who wants to go natural but is a GIANT wuss. I’m THRILLED over this!

I’ve been drinking water so much the past 3 days that my eyes are about to float into my brain! But wanna know the cool part? I’m actually THIRSTY again!

When you’ve gone so long without drinking anything, like I have, you tend to lose your sense of thirst. I would crave water once in a blue moon. Now though? There’s nothing better! I don’t want a soda or juice or tea. I just want water. And for the first time today, I got home and said, ‘man, I’m thirsty!’ It actually took me a few minutes to realize what that odd sensation was!  Dry tongue:  Check!  Dry throat:  Check!  Yep, I’m thirsty!

Ok, so this blog entry sucks.  I just happen to be very thrilled with this new development.  I’ve lost 3 pounds so far, undoubtedly all water weight.  Hey, whatever.  I lost half an inch around my neck!  Water is my frienemy!  Eventually, I’m sure I’ll hit a stumbling block, but honestly, I’ve never been SO determined before.  When I get down, I just think about that baby.  My ultimate motivation.

I’ve always said that I don’t bond with my pregnancies.  After my first miscarriage, I just guard myself that way, I guess.  If I lose the baby, well, I wasn’t *that* attached to it anyhow, kwim?  Sounds really sad and like I don’t care but it’s just a survival tactic.  I’ve always said that pregnancy was weird, and it is.  The baby squirming around in there causing every weird sound imaginable to come out of your body at one time…  Yeah…  It’s weird.  I think I’ve out-grossed my husband a few too many times while pregnant.  It’s a wonder he wants to practice making babies with me anymore.  But, here I am…  Counting down the days and pounds until I can feel that weird sensation…  Wondering if it’s the baby kicking…  Wondering if my contractions are 5 minutes apart yet…

I think I might want to go with a midwife this time.  I’m not exactly sure how that would work out because, even though I’m a pretty crunchy/organic mom, I still love my epidural.  Can a midwife do epidurals?  Can I drag my midwife to the hospital with me?  I have pretty easy labors and deliveries as long as I have my pain meds going.  I don’t know what would happen if I went totally natural.  It might….get ugly.

Well, the hubs is on his way home so I had better stop writing and go make him some dinner.