I’m a spazz and can’t decide what host I like the best so I’m moving.

…I find myself, at nearly 30, wanting to stick my head out the front door and cackle at them while I say, ‘SUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I DON’T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!  BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!’  I don’t actually do it, but I’ve always thought it would be funny…  Only to me and it would stop being funny when I either got an angry Mom on my front porch or the cops.

As happy as I am, still, to be out of school, I then realize that I’m going to be spending most of my adult life educating my own kids.  LOL  I’m fine with that, actually.  It’s just funny to me for some reason.  I hated school.  It was the most miserable place on earth and I’m still disturbed by some of the things I can recall from it.

OK, so anyway, on the TTC front…  I’m currently waiting to test.  I finally ovulated after my stressful week and now comes the blissful and boring wait.  I don’t have a testing day in mind, really.  I’m just going to give it a while.  I know that we timed ‘the deed’ really badly.  We were both tired and didn’t want to do it that last night.  It was stressful trying to figure out my chart.

AF is actually due today but seeing as I only ovulated 4 days ago, she’s nowhere to be found.  I’ve been reading about other ladies today who are getting their BFP’s when they had timed BDing really badly, too so that’s giving me some hope.  At least I don’t have to worry about her for a little while.

It’s 8:52 and I’ve been up for a while.  The nicest thing to see in the morning is the sun rising right in front of you and then seeing all of the spider webs shimmering in the dew and sun.  Man, it’s a nice day!  I can’t wait for it to cool off some more.

OK, I have to get off of here and get the school table cleared off and I have to make some copies.  My nephew is joining us for school this morning so I need to get going. 

I hate this.  I’ve been charting for over 7 years.  Ok, so I took a break after our youngest was born, but still…  I wake up at the same time every day.  I faithfully take my temp the second I wake up.  I come out, chart it and then I go check out what’s going on up my hoo-hoo.  I know I’m not a good sleeper.  I’m an insomniac and I’ve made peace with that.  I’m at the point where I’m going to gobble some pills just so I can get a real night’s sleep and an accurate temp!  I know that’s not healthy but neither is not sleeping…  Which is worse?

My chart is a lying dog.

I am not any days past ovulation. Liar of a chart! You beastly thing!

You would think that I could identify any sort of ovulation by looking at my chart.  I just can’t though!  The 4 days that my chart picked up on as my O date are based on adjusted temps.  I don’t trust those temps because my mid-day temps aren’t actually that different from my very-first-thing-I-do-in-the-morning temps.  My CM is drying up.  My CP is firming up again and closing…  Some might say my temp today is implantation, but it’s soooo not.  I slept like crap last night and I never got into a good sleep.  I woke up when The Hubs went to work (2 hours after I finally fell asleep) and didn’t go back to sleep for another hour.  Then I slept maybe 45 minutes…  You need at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep to get an accurate temp.  I don’t know what the crap is going on here.  I’m tired of it though.  I’m about to call this cycle over and just start over when AF shows up.

This is a NEARLY positive OPK (ovulation predictor).

Very nearly a positive OPK

I am ALMOST ovulating.  Apparently, the line on the left, the test line, has to be as dark, or darker than the right line, the control line.  So, I’m pretty much sittin’ pretty.  I have to BD (baby dance) tonight and tomorrow night.  Probably the night after that.  Seriously, I’m already tired of having to do it.  Since I’m ovulating, I get the most horrible pains and it’s a horrible experience having to do-the-deed so much.  I think that the ovulation pains are my own form of birth-control.  I want nothing to do with THAT when I’m in so much pain.  So, I’ll just have to suffer through.  HOWEVER, I’m so totally thrilled!  I usually ovulate on CD (cycle day) 21 or 24.  Then I have to wait about 11-12 days to see if AF (aunt flo…seriously, I’ll learn you these terms, fast) shows up.  It’s torture.  The average cycle is 28 days.  Mine is usually 35+.  The fact that I’m on CD 14 and I’m actually going to ovulate at a decent time is CRAZY good!  I’m very, very happy with this.  I just need to get The Hubs home and get going!    wink, wink

Anyway, that’s my update.  It’s not exciting to anyone else but me, but that’s ok.  I just feel the need to write it down sometimes. 

Forgot to add that I’m not pregnant.  However, here’s to trying for next month!  If you’re one of those weirdos who likes to follow people who are TTC and if you lurk charts, I’m your girl.

So, since I’m pretty much done with the weight-loss aspect of this blog (my purpose for starting this blog was weight-loss SO I could TTC.  I’m still dieting but I’m only losing as much as I can before I get pg and I’ll just have to be happy with whatever that number is on the scale), here’s some info about me and my cycles.

I tend to have long cycles at around 35 days.  I have a short-ish luteal phase (11 days).  I was diagnosed with PCOS after my first miscarriage but I don’t claim the title as I’ve carried 2 babies to term and I do ovulate each month.  I got pg on our first try with both of our kids, who were obviously planned.  I charted and temped my cycles with both kids.

With this baby, whenever I do get pg (tell me if you get tired of hearing that line), I’m using a midwife.  I was induced with both of my babies and although it was ok at the time, I really really want the ‘OMG, IS THIS IT?’ experience that I feel I was cheated out of.  OK, yeah, so I had pregnancy-induced-hypertension with baby #1 and it had to be done, but still…  Pop my bag and send me home or something!  I’m not going natural, but I’m definitely going ‘more’ natural.  I gotta have my epidural.

OK, here’s a confession for ya.  I’m a hippie.  It’s true.  I use an alternative to toothpaste, I have often been known to use a shampoo bar instead of commercialized shampoo and I’m forever getting blasted for not vaccinating my kids.  If you take issue, save it.  I’ve heard all of the opinions on it.  Grow your own kids and do what you want with them.  When baby 3 is made (I changed it up for you), I’ll be using cloth diapers again, making my own babyfood, still not vaccinating and using cloth wipies instead of disposable.  I was that lady who said she was going to make her own babyfood while pregnant but actually did it after the baby was born.  I’m generally pretty proud of myself for this!  I’ll talk about it often!

One great advancement in cloth diapers that I’m looking forward to is the ONE SIZE diapers!  They go from tiny newborn size to giant toddler size!  They didn’t have those when mine were little so I spent a FORTUNE on diaper covers!  I’m excited to see how that all works out!  I figure if we buy 1 diaper/week during this pregnancy, we’ll be set for quite a while!  I’m excited!  I think looking through all the cloth diapers on Etsy is what helped me totally make my mind up as to whether we should TTC or not.  That’s probably pretty shallow sounding but I SO don’t care.  I’m in a selfish frame-of-mind right now.  I spend a lot of time worrying over family and friends and sometimes I just need to take some time out to take care of myself.  I’m not much of a ‘me-time’ kinda mom but it is necessary sometimes.

I recently read someone’s blog entry where she was complaining about all sorts of things.  The one thing that got on my nerves was the bashing of women who announce their pregnancies before the first tri is over.  She went on to say that if those women had any sense, they would realize that, statistically speaking, they would have to send out that sad announcement due to the rate of miscarriage.  It was a particularly nasty venting over these women.  Well, I have lost my own pregnancies.  My first one was particularly late at 13 weeks.  I heard the heartbeat on the doppler in the ER 10 minutes before my pelvic exam to ‘remove the tissues’.  I’ve been through my own pain and heartache.  I had to see my little bean in an ultrasound and then say goodbye nearly in the same sentence and no, it doesn’t get easier with time.  I have complete sympathy for anyone who loses their baby.  It’s hard no matter how young the pregnancy is.  That’s your child.  Your hope.  Your future.  Having to say goodbye is the worst thing I had to do.  The unanswered questions about ‘what the hell just happened there???’ never go away!  I still want to know why they couldn’t tell me the sex even though the baby was complete in an un-ruptured sac!  How is it possible that we heard the heartbeat but was told the pregnancy was over minutes later?  How???  WHY???  We don’t know and never will…  The thing about it is that I’m not bitter about it.  I’m mad that my doctor was a douche and was more worried over getting sued than answering my questions, but I’m not bitter.  I’ve carried 2 healthy babies to term.  I know that my body works…  So this is what leads me to my anger over this woman’s comments…

I AM that woman who makes the early announcement.  I have BEEN through that hell and ya know what?  I know the damn statistics!  When I announce my pregnancy that is days old (when it happens), it’s because I desperately need prayers BECAUSE I’ve been through the losses!  If I held it in until the second tri, I would worry and panic the whole time and prayer is the oil that keeps this engine from seizing!  I need all the prayers I can get!

So, I’m mad for the ignorance that some people choose to project.  It’s sad that some bitter hag out there will look down on me for successfully getting pregnant and letting my friends know.  Sue me.

Same as the last one with a couple of new ones.

1. Cramping
2. Dizziness
3. I’m currently crying at every.single.thing.

I’m a nutcase, I do know that, but this is just killer having to wait it out.

I’ve decided that if I’m not knocked up this time, we’re definitely trying next time. Now that I’ve thought about it and felt that joy at the possibility of another baby, I’m wondering why on earth did I think it would be smarter to lose weight, get pregnant and then lose the weight AGAIN! What I should do is have a kid and use the wonderful, magical beauty of breastfeeding to help boost my weight loss! I’ve done it before, I can do it again! And really? My life isn’t that complicated. I have a husband who would bend over backwards for me so I know that back-rubs and general kindness is in my future. If I hurt, he’ll try to fix me. Why was I so worried about this? I’ll be OK! I’m in good health besides a few bits of arthritis here and there. I mean, good grief, that crap gets worse as you get older! So if I wait, I’ll be older and trying to be pregnant. That’s not a great plan! Plus, it’s only 9 months. It’s not that long. I’ll live.

I feel exuberant about this plan, I really do. I’m hopeful that I’m pregnant right now and everything but if not, this new plan definitely works for me! The Hubs is ecstatic about it.

And, yes, I actually have been looking at all the cloth diapering stuff and maternity clothes and I’ve been making tickers that I’ll hopefully be able to use. My brain is completely focused on baby. I’ve put my body under the microscope, for sure. Things are going on that usually don’t unless I’m pregnant so am I an emotional wreck because I’m so excited or because I’m pg? Who knows. Either way, pregnancy is in my future whether it’s now, a month from now or a year. I have a healthy attitude this time. That’s the best start!

And guess what! I found a midwife group that’s connected to the hospital and I CAN get an epidural with this group! I’m that hippie lady who wants to go natural but is a GIANT wuss. I’m THRILLED over this!

In an odd turn-of-events, I’m currently waiting until the 27th or 28th to pee on a stick.  That famous stick can only be a pregnancy test.  Let me just put it this way…  OOPS.

Early pregnancy symptoms so far:

1. I’m TIRED.
2. I gotta PEEE.
3. My boobs hurt like FIRE.
4. I’m GRUMPY.
5. I’m TIRED.
6. I have that nastay metallic taste in my mouth and nose!

So, while I’m waiting, help me with some baby names just in case.  We’re hopeful for a boy and we like old-fashioned names.    Help a girl out!!!

Bro, the Vidalia Food Chopper, as seen on TV, is TOTALLY worth the $20!  Tell your Mom you want it!  HEEEEHEEEE!

That kid cracks me up, man!

That’s all I have for today. 

This has nothing to do with weight loss or babies or really anything that I intended this blog to be about.  Still, I just have to write about it.  To just get it out.  All of the heartache and loss that I’m feeling right now.

10 years ago, I met a guy who was 19, like me.  He knew the guy that I had just broken up with and for some reason, he felt the need to fix me.  He loved me.  Not in that ‘hey, I’m a teenager and I like your butt’ kind of ‘love’.  He saw me as worth fixing.  He knew what I had been through.  He knew how I had been treated and he wanted to undo it all.  He introduced me to this church that I adored.  It was the first church environment that was just speaking the truth of the bible instead of running church politics and ridiculous traditions that had nothing to do with the bible.  I loved it there.  He bought me the series on Song of Solomon, which is now a pretty famous (sorta) series.  He gave it to me and told me to listen and to never again settle for a man who could not be my Solomon.  I spent a weekend at his house (his Mom’s house, complete with his Granny, brother and sister) just being saturated with respect, decency and love.  His Mom expected us to get married but God had other plans for me.  I loved this guy.  Not ‘in’ love with him, but how can you not love a man who treated you with nothing but respect?  I just wanted to be near him because he was kind to me.  This was not a romantic thing.  It was just one boy showing a girl kindness.  This had.not.happened to me in my life.  I can’t explain how I felt for him.  I respected him, I was at peace with him, I was protected by him.  Still, not in a romantic way.  He started to distance himself from me and this was for the best.  He started falling for me and he knew, because he was sensitive to God, that he was not intended for me.  I was so angry at this point.  I was hurt.  Of course, now I understand.

I met my husband not long after that.  In November of ‘98.  I was almost 20.  I fell in love with him almost immediately.  He was my Solomon, something that my friend had taught me.  I wrote my old friend in January of ‘99 to let him know that I found my Solomon and that we were getting married.  He called me.  He was not happy at my news.  He told me I was being foolish because I had known him for a couple of months and that I couldn’t possibly know that he was the right man.  He threw a fit and that guy who had protected me so much and had taken me under his wing was just trying to do the same thing now.  He Just couldn’t let it happen.  So, this time, I cut him off.  I told him that I was no longer any of his business and that he had crossed the line.  I regret that so much.  Especially now.

So, I got married.  My husband IS my Solomon, still, to this day!  He’s never uttered a word of disrespect to me.  He’s never belittled me or treated me poorly!  He’s as close to perfect as he can get and I adore him.  We’ve lost babies together, lost his mother together, been in so many difficult situations that would break most marriages.  We will not break.  So many times, I’ve sat there rocking one of my babies at night and thought, ‘Oh, if he could see me now and how happy and complete I am, he would eat his words.’  I’ve tried to look him up to see if he ever got married or had kids or did something amazing like I knew he would.  I’ve only ever found his old best friend and I thought it was so odd that there was never any mention of my old friend.  Had they had a falling out?  Gee, who knows.  I blew it off.

I found that series on Song of Solomon on Itunes (for free, by the way) and listened to it again.  My husband just got on the day shift at work, finally after 7 years of having to work Sundays.  So, the thought crossed my mind that we should go to that church that he had taken me to all those years ago.  I hadn’t been back since.  But, wait!  If he’s there, I really didn’t want to go and run into him.  Because, after all, I have gotten fat and I would hate it if he couldn’t even recognize me.  So, I start searching for him again.  There’s no mention of him anywhere on the internet which is so odd.  Finally, I went to his county’s public records.  I searched for marriages, which happened to be in with the deaths.  His name popped up and I look trying to make sense of the 2 dates that were listed.  Then it dawned on me.  My dear friend had died.  It was almost 8 years ago that he died.  About a year and a half after I got married.  All of those ‘if he could see me now’ thoughts seem so petty and ridiculous to me.  All of that wondering what ever happened to him, all for nothing.

This boy, along with God’s divine guidance, is pretty much responsible for my happy marriage.  How could he die without knowing that!?!?  How could he die without really knowing how much I appreciated him and how much he did for my life?  He showed me the proper way to love someone and then left when it was time to.  He had one moment where he was selfish and just wanted to hold me and keep me.  Well, I’ve certainly had my selfish moments.  Why couldn’t I forgive this one thing he did?  Why couldn’t I just let him know?

I don’t know how he died.  I don’t know if I want to know.  He was so much more to me than just a friend and so much more than a boyfriend, which he never was.  My friend, Karen, said that, ‘He sounds like he was one of the angels masquerading as people…and he fulfilled his purpose and was called back to God’s Kingdom.’  How right she is.  He was one of those one-in-a-million kind of people that God uses to pull someone back to Him.  He was strong enough in the Lord to push me away when it was time.  How can I ever thank him for that now?

It seems ridiculous because it’s been over 9 years since I had talked to him and I’m not sure I have the right to cry over him now.  He’s been dead for 8 years.  8 years of me not knowing.  I feel like a fool and I feel such sadness and heartache.  Maybe in his death, this is just another way of God using his life to pull me back to His side.

Whatever the reason, I have my husband to cling to.  I have my Solomon to cover me in grace and kindness right now.  I can count on him, always.